Start by turning off your@$#%!!!-ing phone!
It was a year ago, Sept. 10, 2023 that U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert (MAGA-Colorado) raised the topic of theatre etiquette to new highs — or lows, as it were. Leaving the details of that fateful night aside, there are a number of things you shouldn’t ever do in a live theatre setting.
Now, it’s possible that you’ve never been to a theatre performance and think that perhaps the rules of, say, a rock concert might apply. Fact is, though, there’s a huge difference between what might bother surrounding audience members and the performers on stage at a highly amplified concert and a stage play or musical.
That’s not to say that you have to act like some Puritan at church — theatre has changed a lot in recent years in terms of what’s allowed. It used to be expected you would dress up to go to the theatre, whereas now it’s a lot more casual. (Even so, don’t show up in rags. I’d say at the least wear a collared shirt. I think T-shirts, sandals and the like are a bit gauche at the theatre, but they’re also widely accepted.)
It also used to be the case that you couldn’t bring a drink into the auditorium, but that’s no longer the case, either. Theatres are happy to sell you a drink, although you may find yourself drinking beer or wine out of a plastic, lidded cup. Food is another story, which we’ll address below.
So based on a few decades of theatre going and reviewing, here’s my list of what you should never, ever do at the theatre.
1. Let your cellphone, watch or any other noisemaking device go off
There’s a reason why there’s always an announcement right before the show to turn off phones, smart watches and any other beeping or noisemaking devices: People forget to do it all the time! And I’d hazard to guess it’s not because they are assholes who don’t give a shit; it’s because they’re 100 percent convinced that they’ve taken care of it.
Why is this important? If you’re an actor you already know, but if you’re not, just imagine you are up there on stage. You’re focused on your performance, remembering your next line and doing your absolute best when suddenly there it is: Someone’s fucking cellphone is going off! How much would you like to freeze time, step off the stage, kick that person in the nuts and destroy his iPhone with a curtain weight?
But you are a good person who would never want to do disrupt an actor up on stage entertaining you, so do not assume your phone is silenced or that your Apple Watch isn’t going to emit some weird noise. You must check, and the best way to ensure you won’t be That Person Everyone Now Hates at the Theatre, is to turn it off completely.
2. Show everyone the flashlight on your wrist
In this era of smart watches, lots of people don’t realize how annoying those little screens can be when you raise your arm and they light up. There’s a simple fix, though, which some people don’t even know about.
On the Apple Watch, there’s literally something called “Theatre Mode.” Press the function button on your watch and you’ll see those familiar little comedy/tragedy masks that tell you in no uncertain terms that you should press it before the show starts. This will prevent it from making noises or lighting up.
On Samsung watches, there’s a similar option also called “Theatre Mode.”
It’s almost like these tech companies were responding to the usher lobby!
3. Talk or sing during the performance
I get it, you’re excited that you’re finally seeing that musical you know all the words to and want to enhance your experience by singing along. But just imagine you polled everyone in your immediate vicinity before the show and asked them if they would be offended if you sang along at the top of your lungs. They would all decisively say something like this: “Yes, I would most certainly be offended, and if you do that I will call that huge usher over here to duct-tape your mouth shut.” (OK, the usher is a little old lady, but they can be pretty badass too.)
Let’s say you shelled out $100+ to see the musical and some boorish Boebert type is singing along right in your ear — singing the words to the song being performed by the professionals up on stage that you came to hear.
Think of them and don’t even dream of sharing your screechy shower vocals during the show.
People are also tempted to whisper stuff like “What was that he said?” which is then followed by the whispered explanation. But guess what? Everyone around you can hear it no matter how quiet you think you’re being! If you can’t shut the hell up, go to the monster truck rally instead.
*Note: Of course, some plays or musicals may have parts where they actively encourage you to sing along or yell stuff. If you hear that invitation, go for it using your best handheld shower act.
Yes we can hear you – stick to the shower!
4. Allow your jacket or other items to infringe on the space of others
Many theatres have coat checks, so if your outer garment is particularly long, bulky or noisy, take advantage of it. In Colorado, as I’m sure is the case in other places where cold weather happens, this is an issue. Sometimes, people think they’ve stowed their coat well but don’t realize that the hood is flopped down over the seatback and imposing its unwanted presence on the person behind you.
So, if you didn’t check your coat, just make sure it’s tucked in around you and contained within your allotted space. Same goes for things like bags, programs, drinks or whatever – keep it to yourself!
5. Vape, especially around pregnant women
I guess I’d file this under “Things no one should have to tell you not to do but we have to anyway because some people are idiots.” Vaping, of course was one of the things Boebert was flamed for doing at Beetlejuice, even after several people asked her to stop and let her know there was a pregnant woman in front of her.
I personally have never seen anyone vape at a show, but if Boorbert thought to do it, I’m sure she’s not alone.
Don’t be an idiot.
6. Wear a shit-ton of smelly perfume or cologne
I get that she doesn’t think it’s smelly or that she’s applied too much, but believe me when I say that getting asphyxiated by Sha-Nelly No. 43 or Musky Grünt wafting in clouds from the person next to me is one of my least favorite ways to experience theatre.
There’s really nothing you can do about people who over-scent; it’s just who they are and nothing’s likely to change their odoriferous ways. But just keep in mind when you’re splashing on the eau de petunia or whatever that many people are allergic to stuff like that while most others won’t appreciate a full dose.
Similar rules apply here as they did in the jackets section: If it’s intruding into the space of others, you’re outta line.
Popcorn? Seriously? Save it for the Alamo!
7. Eat stuff, especially things you noisily unwrapped
There’s a reason why theatres often include “noisy candy wrappers” in their pre-show proscriptions. They’re loud as hell in a quiet theatre! People try to ameliorate this by doing it very slowly, but that only makes it worse (and longer). I can’t improve on what Denver Gazette’s John Moore wrote about this, so here it is:
What cracks me up (as in drives me insane) is when offenders slowly and methodically unwrap a single piece of candy with the measured pause of a bomb-squad field agent. Trust me, it’s best for all of us if you just make one quick, surgical rip rather than conduct a slow and torturous tear that might last all the way up until curtain call.
He also points out that theatres that want to address this critical social issue should avoid selling things wrapped in crinkly ways. Hear, hear!
Of course, the other part of in comestible delicto is the mastication aspect. If people can hear you chewing, it’s just as bad as the wrapper crinkle and, I’d argue, kinda gross. Popcorn champing is one of my least favorite aspects of going to the movie theatre, but I get that it’s an ingrained thing that’s not going away. That said, there’s every reason why the people choosing the snacks at a live theatre should cross popcorn off the list. Gummy bears in a sound-dampening canvas sack might be OK, but really it’s best to leave such things for the lobby or home.
8. Text or use your phone in any way
I put this in a different category from the phone ringing because this brings the offense to another level. It’s one thing to be like “Holy shit! I’ve gotta shut this thing off pronto before I get ridden out of the theatre on a rail!” and quite another to answer the fucking thing.
This is rare, but not unknown. I was at a show at the Denver Center’s Kilstrom Theatre not too long ago when a guy in front of us answered his phone. It was, as we soon learned, his ride. He spent about 30 seconds sorting out the details of where and when while the thought bubbles above the heads of everyone around depicted a graphic image of him being run through by Laertes and simultaneously poisoned by Claudius.
A more common offense is people using their phone to text or read stuff during a show. I experienced this just recently at Miners Alley. Screens are bright enough to be highly distracting — reason enough not to do it. But there’s another psychological element to this that sounds something like this in our inner monologue:
Oh for fuck’s sake, this jackass next to me is texting stuff!
He is bad. I am not texting stuff; I’m being good.
Why would anyone do this? I wonder if it’s an emergency?
Probably not. He’s just doom scrolling or something.
This is a good part of the play; he really should be paying attention.
But now I’m not paying attention because this jackass next to me is breaking the rules!
I hate him.
(Glances around)
I wonder if anyone else is witnessing this outrage?
Where’s an usher when you need one?
It’s amazing the degree to which these types of actions can distract us from enjoying what we came there to see. There’s no defense – put the damn phone away and pretend like it’s 1950 or something when they didn’t exist!
9. Show up late
A good rule of thumb is to plan to be parked and in the lobby at least 20-30 minutes before curtain. It’s not like going to an Avs game when you can wander in whenever you want. Nathan MacKinnon will not know or care that you didn’t make it until halfway through the second period and that you dropped a hot dog and a 75-ounce Bud Lite on the head of the guy next to you.
Theatre is different. Actors on stage and audience members hate when people come in late. There’s also an unwritten rule that those peoples’ seats will always be located dead-center on the row. The latecomers will all be juggling drinks, coats, children and programs. They will all be the size of Nikola Jokić and wearing 10-gallon hats with fruit hanging off them à la Carmen Miranda.
Bonus points if they start asking their neighbors what they missed.
I get it, shit happens, there was a wreck, the babysitter was late … whatever. Just know that most theatres will keep you from entering the hall until there’s a scene change. Some types of performances won’t allow latecomers at all. You can pull a Boebert and demand “Do you know who I am?” but fact is theatre ushers are charged with preventing disruptions, and they have the weight of tradition behind them and an iron will that no name-dropping will weaken.
10. Hassle the staff or the ushers
If the shit hits the fan and they tell you something like you can’t go in or you’re being ejected from the theatre because you couldn’t stop doing bong hits, just accept your fate. If you start arguing with ushers over your behavior, you’re exacerbating your assholiness to the nth degree since you’re extending the distraction. They are judge, jury and executioner and are not going to change their minds.
On a related note, know that pretty much all ushers are volunteers. They deserve your polite attention and thanks for their service.
This may sound like a lot of “don’ts,” but really it’s just common sense. When all else fails, just look at most of the civilized people around you and follow their lead. What could go wrong?
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